Building Communication Skills
Have you ever been in a situation where a friend was confiding in you and you thought you knew exactly what she was going through and said so to her. “I get it, I know exactly how you feel”. And your friend says, “ Well, I don’t know how you know exactly how I am feeling. You’ve never been diagnosed with cancer”. Huh?
Clearly, my empathy missed its mark. I don’t know exactly what she feels. What I meant to do was validate her feelings - even though I hadn’t had exactly the same experience, I heard her fear and anxiety. But I mis-spoke. Perhaps I could have shown my empathy by reflecting to her that I understood her pain even though I have not been in the exact same situation and that’s because I care about her.
So here are some tips that will help you communicate better with others in your life:
First of all, think about this. Who is the best listener you know? What do they do to make you feel heard? Most likely, they let you finish your sentences, give you space to complete your narrative and do not interrupt you unnecessarily.
Being heard and seen by others is a primal need. It is a natural stress buster. Reflecting is a skill that lets the speaker know you have understood how they are feeling or their situation. For e.g: “I have tried everything, I don’t know what else to do”. You might reflect, “Sounds like you’re feeling pretty stuck”.
Paraphrasing is another important empathetic skill – “So, what I hear what you are saying is …”. Or “ If I am hearing you right…” Of course you don’t have to repeat it exactly – just the implied message and the words will suffice. This is important as not only does the speaker feel heard, it also keeps her on track on how she was communicating – it is feedback to the person doing the talking as to how she is being heard. It makes the speaker aware of how they are delivering the story and how their message is being received. This feeling of being understood is extremely important.
Another impactful skill is being non- judgemental. Don’t rush in with suggestions or advice- instead, validate the speaker’s thoughts and feelings. This is where the magic is. Have you ever been in a conversation where the listener instead of listening – solved your problem. And now the conversation is about them. How they did it or how they want you to do it. That’s a connection killer – because if you are experiencing any kind of self blame or shame, this kind of advice giving just affirms that – we are not good enough to handle our problems and someone else could do it better.
Another skill is clarification – ask for details you did not get. We are not taught to “dig deeper” –but ask permission if necessary to deepen the conversation. This is especially true if you notice a body language like fidgeting, restlessness etc. It’s easy to ask, “I notice you are biting your nails. Is there something on your mind?”.
You don’t have to be a Life Coach or any kind of coach to be a good listener. You just have to be curious. The skills are there within us because we are wired to connect. As a coach, I am able to put aside my own views and judgements and be there fully for my client.
Often times we don’t listen to understand, we listen to reply. Active Listening helps us change our mind-sets towards one that’s trying to understand someone else’s perspective, as opposed to being focused on getting our point across or being right. Listening to others is not a passive skill its an active skill to reach out. These skills need conscious attention to master but even if that’s not your cup of tea – a simple gesture like turning off your hand-phone, making eye contact or telling them they matter can be more than enough.