Self awareness - A healing journey
Recently, I arranged to have lunch with an old friend – she cancelled literally 5 minutes before, I was already waiting in the restaurant for her– instead of feeling affronted that she did not value my time, I listened calmly to her explanation. I was shocked to hear that she was undergoing an intense grief reaction and this restaurant had triggered her sadness and memories. Unable to face that, she cancelled the lunch as she was parking her car and went home to cry.
Consider the different ways a person can react to this situation – we can judge the other person without even hearing her out. Or stay in the feeling of affront. Instead, I calmly moved on with my next meeting.
Giving the other person space and hearing them out requires a level of skill that rewards us with many benefits – one is staying out of any emotional drama. Most importantly, it creates a sense of empathy absolutely necessary to handle the feelings of others. As soon as we are in judgment which is the opposite of empathy, this creates an automatic reaction.
Whenever we are confronted with emotional challenges, we can move inward or outward in protective reaction. When we are in that state, it’s akin to being in the survival mode. Neurobiologically, it’s the flight or fight response. The reactive energy of this is biologically wired in us. When we respond from this ego-ic self, it’s like a trance – we lose volition and intentionality.
Some other automated reactions are – sulking, distancing, holding back appreciation or we can accommodate or over-please others, over -rescue or overreact by yelling and control via punishment. These are highly unconscious states. Haven’t we heard from friends so often, how else was I supposed to react? What else could I have done? I couldn’t help myself!
Why is becoming intentional so difficult? I think it’s because we are conditioned by a lifetime of ideas and beliefs about how to handle the most important areas of our lives. So, a lot of our reactions are under the influence of these old beliefs. These form the “false self” or the ego reactions because we have learnt them from others – specifically our parents or other important caregivers from our childhood. Our typical reactions to what is happening around us or to us – our first reactions are often based on personal histories of how we want or expect situations to pan out.
Thus, the more aware you are of your unawareness, the closer you are to being consciously aware. Making the unconscious, conscious, is the journey of all of us. We are clouded by these emotional reactions and becoming self-aware starts with the realisation of detachment from oneself and moving into an observation mode. This is where finding a life coach is useful. You can have these insightful conversations with your coach.
But even if you are working with a life coach, my suggestion is to get started is to started by journaling, meditation, mindfulness practice, breathing – just about anything that helps you to be in an observer mode. To become aware, is process-driven – it is not a goal we set out to achieve. We can stay in awareness in any given moment by asking – what's happening in my head? What thoughts are influencing me? What am I feeling? Where in my body do I feel this? It means being a scientist – except the subject is yourself. When we begin to become aware – we start to get to know ourselves.
Is this easy? Not at all. In this endeavour, we need mentors, leaders, coaches and even therapy. Because, we are social beings and we need others to know ourselves.